Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I don’t know who I’m going to be that day. Some days I’m so full of emotions over things I cannot control or change. Some days I feel nothing at all.
Those are the days that I fear the most. Those are the days I could be anything or anyone and no one would know the difference. No one would know if I disappeared and someone else stepped into my skin as long as they had my face and my smile and my voice and they said all the things people want to hear.
And some days I’m touched with hope—that life is beautiful. Those are the days that I love. When go outside, tilt my face towards the sun, and feel like I’m apart of something and that even though I’m just one person I’m the most important thing that’s ever happened, because at the end of the day I’ll always have myself which is the both the most wonderful and the loneliest thought that ever was.
Depending on the day.
(submitted by http://ijustsaywordssometimes.tumblr.com/… heavy )
(Source: fearandhope)
BEΛR//FVCE’s “Taste my Sad” sounds, to me, like what my Lust for Life feels like…
Shit is so dope… it has been on repeat all day…
Love is War… and no, I am not talking about romantic love… I mean the love of life… Life is easily the hardest bitch to love… she kills babies the day they are born, and serves crack to kids, and lets communities die of starvation while obese white people conduct eating contests… No matter how hard I try, it seems she won’t let me love her, and even when she does, she only teases me with a one-night stand… it’s never enough
Centurions and Black Cards
I woke early, like I always do, to take a bus and walk 2 miles to my internship. On the way there, I got a picture message from an old friend… He sent me a picture of his newly acquired black card. All I could think was,”Damn!”
Niggas are flying and i’m still walking. They say ‘sky’s the limit’ but I guess that’s not true for me; my wings have never worked.
What a way to start the day…
That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen. — Charles Bukowski
^ I guess I’m gonna quit drinking then.
(Source: emergentpattern)
Relative Uncertainty
An old friend just called… he said something like, “Just keep doing what you do, don’t worry if you lost this one. You, like me, are trying something that may work out and if it does, it will change your life. I know there’s no guarantees, but that move alone is commendable…”
I get it. And he’s probably right, but I don’t want commendable, I am already too fucked up to be satisfied with “commendable”. To be honest, “commendable” is not gonna fix all my problems, I need the money so I can at least try to get the right help…. (there I go again with the buts.
All in all, it was the best thing I’ve heard all day…
The Law of Conservation of Energy states that the total amount of energy in an isolated system can be neither created nor destroyed - it can only be converted from one form to another.
I remember learning this law and thinking that the shitty cards life dealt me were just a type of bad energy and that one day, all that energy would be converted to something good. So as a kid, I day-dreamed about all the things I would do when that day finally came, it helped me get through it - all those lies I told myself. I’ve been waiting for that day… I’m still waiting….
I guess the realization that conversion will probably never happen, coupled with my most recent failures, is making these demons stronger. As stupid as it sounds, I did believe that the “bad energy” would change.
How else would I deal with the despair? That lie I told myself all those years was the single source of my hope.
What do I do now?
Answer for the person who asked about Suicide
Thanks for the submission. Your post epitomizes what I wanted the submissions I recieve to be - they force me to think about real problems that others go through.
When it comes to suicide, I don’t know the right answer. People way more intelligent have differing opinions on the subject. Personally, I would say that I am leaning towards allowing people to take their lives if they want to because if we truly are free, we should be able to do as we please (even if that means taking our own lives). But then I am hesitant to even say that because some people might not be mature enough to even understand what that decision entails (I think only terminally ill people and the elderly probably do).
Is it selfish to be angry at someone you love who took their life away from you? Yes, but love is generally a selfish emotion. No one truly loves unconditionally, it doesn’t exist. People love each other, usually, because it is reciprocated and it makes them feel good. It’s a good thing and I think it’s okay to be mad, it shows that you care.
So i’m not even sure I gave you an answer. But I think you shouldn’t focus on whether or not you are selfish, just focus on the fact that you care….
It really is some shit to think about… What can I offer her?
I want her, but I can’t offer her anything in exchange.
“Life’s a bitch” as they, and if I want her to love me, I gotta offer her something, but what?
I can’t offer her my life, cause she is life.
I can’t offer her my death, cause I won’t be here to enjoy her love if she accepts it.
And so the dead end persists…
My powerlessness depresses me.
This picture reminds me of the poem Our Greatest Fear.
The flower is embracing its difference and is conquering its deepest fear. The poem states, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” Many people are afraid that they don’t have a purpose, when they do have a purpose on this Earth. People are put on this Earth for a reason. We fear things that we can’t control, or even imaging. This is why the power that is within us is contained, or hidden from within us. “There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other, people won’t feel insecure around you.” We tired our best to blend in with everyone around us. We need to embrace ourselves & the power that is in us. By embracing this we would not be the same people who want to shrink our light & encourage others to embrace their own too. If we embrace this fear of this unimaginable power then maybe just maybe someone can have an idea to change things. For instances the world.
(submitted by http://uniquespin.tumblr.com/)
LA GRANDE PEUR
I’m scared of many things.
I’m scared of the Motherland’s future.
I’m scared to not have found the right person.
I’m scared of my own future: tomorrow, a week, flying with jetpacks or begging in the streets?
I’m scared to fail my life and bring shame to my parents, make them ask where they went wrong. I’m scared of being a bad lover.
But mostly, I’m scared of myself: what I’ll become, what I’ve became. What I’m capable of.
Sometimes, I just wander and wonder if I can predict what will happen next, visualizing and analyzing situations, but I can’t.
I just think of all that, hope and pray for the best. We all do, we all hope we don’t fuck up, we all hope we’ll do alright, if we put enough effort.
We just do our best to make it in America, be happy and succesful like celebrities and people on TV.
I’m trying to be that person, the one who falls and gets right back up after. But I’m not, I’m weak I guess. Maybe I’ll grow out of it.
My name means fearless hero, and I’m trying really hard to live up to the expectations, make mom and dad proud and my ancestors glad.
I’m trying really hard to get up. And that’s all that matters.
(submitted by http://tayroks.tumblr.com/)
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I don’t know who I’m going to be that day. Some days I’m so full of emotions over things I cannot control or change. Some days I feel nothing at all.
Those are the days that I fear the most. Those are the days I could be anything or anyone and no one would know the difference. No one would know if I disappeared and someone else stepped into my skin as long as they had my face and my smile and my voice and they said all the things people want to hear.
And some days I’m touched with hope—that life is beautiful. Those are the days that I love. When go outside, tilt my face towards the sun, and feel like I’m apart of something and that even though I’m just one person I’m the most important thing that’s ever happened, because at the end of the day I’ll always have myself which is the both the most wonderful and the loneliest thought that ever was.
Depending on the day.
(submitted by http://ijustsaywordssometimes.tumblr.com/)
I feel like all of my life I’ve been searching for my home.
There has even been a few times that I thought Ive been close and even a time or two that I thought that I had found it, only for it to turn out to be a mirage and I’m back on that journey again. Alone and looking for a soft place to lay my heart and soul at the end of the day. Those were the times that I learned that I had a void inside me that no time, or person or place or thing could fill except myself, and I realize that the journey is the destination and all of the philosophical shit, but that doesn’t stop my heart for longing for it. But that longing for that illogical thing, that place that only exists in illusions and fantasies, is one of the many thing that keeps me going on this bumpy road. So I don’t curse that broken part of me. Not anymore. But I don’t want to believe that this is it for me either. That I’m always going to be dealing with this empty feeling, but sometimes, when I’m having a bad day or I’m feeling lonely I get really scared that this missing part of me is just what my home feels like? I’m not religious but when that happens I pray to God please don’t let that be true. Please help me find the way to my home. I know that I’m not alone with this feeling.… Someone tell me that I’m not alone.
(submitted by http://evolvingdoor.tumblr.com/)
^ You are definitely NOT alone.
Diffusing a Suicide Bomb
At 3:45 AM this morning, I accept that my self-sabotaging is getting worse…
Why do I repeatedly strap myself with this metaphorical C4 & blow my own life up?
Doing well is good for me - I know this. Fitting in (or the appearance of it, at least) is also good - I know this too. Getting the good grades to get the good job is good too - I know that one very well.
So why do I still strap up?
I thought it was laziness, but it’s not. I can do the work & I get it done (but it could be much better if I could stop detonating myself).
Then, I thought it was cause I didn’t want to be here, cause I chose this for the money and not the love…. but it’s not that either. If I wasn’t doing this, I wouldn’t be doing anything better. (And love, now that’s just silly, I don’t love anything).
So its back to square one - What’s the cause and goal of this self-sacrifice?
(Source: fearandhope)
